Today I know it was gonna be some kind of day. To start I had to pep talk myself to get out of bed. I didn’t want to move, talk, eat, let alone breathe. I just wanted to lay there and be engulfed in my bed. I forced myself to complete an assessment for a job and submit some applications for some others. Trying to occupy my mind to keep it from wandering to the thoughts I’d been trying to block out from the day before. My girlfriend seemed wierd today too on top of that so I just tried to do what she asked without pissing her off. Don’t think I had much luck with that. My second clue that my day was off was how on edge I was. One comment from her was all it took for the waterworks and oh man did they come. It felt like someone had knocked down the dam and I couldn’t stop them from falling. Today it’s been one year.
I got a call for a job interview that I know I nailed after hyping myself up to Mary Mary on the car ride there. I was a wreck before I left. But I smiled and showed my best personality even though inside my heart was broken. All day long I tried to avoid silence and being alone but guess how I spent most of the day…silent and alone.
Not one hug today. Not one are you OK from anyone who saw the tears in my eyes. The quivering in my heart got a little harder with every breathe. How is it possible to feel so empty and yet I feel everything happening inside me? Its been one year today.
One year ago my life was supposed to change. I was supposed to be a mom. I was supposed to accomplish a goal that most Strive for. I tried so hard for so long to be blessed with you. And today I’m reminded that I failed. I feel like I’m not good enough to be anyone’s mother even though I know I have the world to offer. I have more love to give then is probably humanly possible. I feel like apart of me is missing. Today I’m supposed to be celebrating a little crooked grin and recapping the best moments thus far. Today I’m supposed to be promising you the world only to teach you the true values of what you’re given yet today. I’m mourning the loss of a being I never even got to see. I didn’t get to hear your heart beat or see your hazy smile on a screen. I have never loved the way I loved you and you didn’t even get to make your grand entrance. I feel like my life was altered and I don’t think I can change it back.
I honestly didn’t think today would be this hard but all I’ve been able to do is cry. I know you would have completed my and I miss you every single day.
Happy first heavenly birthday my little one mommy loves you.
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