Nothing.

When does it get easier? When does being last on the list start to feel ok? When does your level of importance in people’s lives start to not matter anymore? A person can give and give and give and it’s never enough. What happens next when you have nothing left to give? I have nothing. I am nothing. Maybe one day nothing will be enough. I’m usually so full of positivity. Maybe I’ve ran out of that too.

I feel like I can’t express my true feelings. No one cares how people really feel. The only emotion I’m allowed to have is happy. Even when I’m sad I have to be happy. Even when I’m mad I have to be happy. Why can’t I just be? How do you not feel the things you’re really feeling? How do you block them out? Does it make me weak because I’m always feeling or does it make me strong because I’m always feeling?

I’ve learned that nothing that pertains to you as a person is important to others if it doesn’t pertain to them. People care about the things that involve them and nothing more. Does that make them self entitled? Does it make them selfish? Or does it make me not selfish enough that I continue to put others before me. I continue to care about others feelings and thoughts just because I genuinely care. Maybe I’m different. Maybe I don’t belong here, but how do I deal?

I feel…. alone here. Lost. Trying to fit in when I don’t fit in anywhere. I keep quiet about my thoughts because who cares anyway. I push and push and push to keep going when I want to give up. But why? What’s the point? When it comes down to it. I only have me and that’s the way it’s always been.