Mind vs. Heart

In the late night hours what do you listen to? Your mind or your heart? I’ve been laying here for over an hour tossing and turning because my mind is playing tricks on me. Its always in the late hours I cry the most. My mind thinks up these scenerios that my heart knows aren’t real. Tonight my mind says I’ll never be good enough to be someone’s wife. Seems like I’m not even good enough just to be someone’s girlfriend. Seems like everyone I’ve ever dated always wanted someone else plus me. I guess I’ve always been the unspoken plus one. Like I’m too good to let go but not good enough to have alone. My heart knows that I will make someone happy so why isn’t my mind on the same page? My mind feels cluttered thinking these things I know are only meant to hurt me and yet I listen. Here I am laying in the dark at 4 am while my girlfriend snores on the other side of the bed and I’m wondering how long will she want me? Am I gonna be tossed aside by her like everyone else did? Am I gonna be enough for her because I seemed not to be for anyone else. Toxic thoughts that poison my mind, dampen my spirits, and crack my ego. It’s hard to be moto moto when you feel more like a cracked teapot. Maybe I’m not attractive enough, tall enough, skinny enough, smart enough. Maybe I laugh too loud, my mouth is too smart, my heart is too big, and I make crazy decisions. Here I am trying to pick apart myself trying to understand why no one ever wants just me. Hell maybe it is me. It seems to be a never ending battle with my mind and my heart. Tonight I think my mind won.