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finding the art of intimacy

Updated: Sep 22, 2023

I feel you there. I know you’re there. But I can’t bring myself to face you. Every time you touch me my skin tingles. I want to give in and melt into you. I know you love me. I know you mean me no harm but I can’t stop the flash backs. No matter how hard I try. I want nothing more than to devote my all to you. I warned you how it would be loving a broken girl. I told you it wouldn’t be easy and you swore you understood. Yet here we are. I keep telling myself over and over I know you love me You have to to stick around this long. I tend to overreact to everything. I scream, I shout, I say things I know I don’t mean. But I’m angry. I’m always angry. I take it out on you when all you want to do is love me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and no matter how I promise I’ve gotten past it my past still comes back to bite me. I’m not sure I’ll ever be ok internally no matter how much the scars have healed externally. I still feel small inside. Broken still trying to figure out how I can hide from the pain. You kiss me and it took everything I had not to tense up. You’d put your arms around me and my heart would start to race. It brought back the memories of things I hate to speak of. Everything triggered some kind of horrible memory.  Here we are 7 years together and I finally learned not to cry when making love has ended. It took so long to build a trust to know that you’d never hurt me like they did. How do you remain intimate when all intimacy has been cut off because I’m too afraid to show my vulnerability to anyone because I’ve already been broken more than once? I can’t expect you to understand how traumatizing sex used to be. I lost all senses. I never saw the beauty. I never got the chance to discover for myself just how amazing it could be if done right. My choices were made for me. I never felt a thing. I’d lay there emotionless. Quiet. But tears still streamed down my face. It seemed like I’d hold my breath until it was over. Not because of you. Never because of you. But I trained myself to shut it all out. Don’t feel a thing. Pretend you’re somewhere else I’d tell myself. If I block it out it’s not really happening. I’d gotten pretty good. Until there was you. My angel. You came along and made me want to change who I was and who I was becoming. I wanted to love you. I wanted to feel you. I wanted it to be real. but how? I had already gone so long being cold inside how do I change that? You helped me see that I can be loved. It’s like you ripped of every bandaid I had to expose my wounds to heal them. You showed me the art I couldn’t find in intimacy. You showed me that its more than just sex. Its love and passion. Patience. Understanding. Conversing. Connecting with one another. You showed me that vulnerability can be beautiful. You may think I taught you a lot over the years because I was your first serious relationship but you’ve taught me so much more than you’ll ever know. You taught me how to breathe again. How to smile. How to be. You taught me that it was ok to be broken and you’d still love me. You’ve accepted me for ever flaw and ever scar and never have you turned your back on me. At some of my lowest points in life you’ve stuck around.  Even if it wasn’t easy. It’s definitely been a process growing into a more warm individual but I see the progress. I’m not the girl you fell in love with 7 years ago. God I have no idea how you could have fallen in love with me then. I was a wreck. But I’m glad you did.

This isn’t a story about sex or how glorifying it is. Its about how it seemed impossible for me to find the glory in something that had been tainted long before I got the opportunity. Finding someone who has been patient enough with me to understand that I’m not as strong as I make myself out to be has been the most precious thing I’ve gotten out of this life thus far. People who hardly know me praise how strong I am all the time but they don’t know how weak I feel inside. I paint a pretty good image of this strength I’m supposed to have but I know inside I struggle to feel the strength I wish I really had. I still have nightmares about the abuse I’ve endured the pain, the scars it all has worked a number on me. I’ve learned the more I talk about the things I’ve been carrying for years the more I’m setting myself free. My shoulders are getting lighter and my smile is getting wider. Every day I’m taking a step in a new direction and it feels great. All the love and encouragement I’m receiving since I’ve started writing my blogs is helping me to continue to heal myself and tell my story. Thank you all for support you are giving me y’all are carrying me a lot farther than you realize. This is only the beginning.

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