Today it was cold. My outside was cold. My inside was cold. My heart was completely frozen.Mid pump it stood. remembering it should beat but afraid to make the next motion. How am I alive? How have I survived this long?…Cold inside. I’ve walked around for years with my heart frozen in the same position. How is it possible? It seems the more I become numb inside the more it hurts. The harder it is to shut things out. The harder it is to fight. The harder it is to love. The harder it is to even care at all. The more I fight the harder I fall… and I ALWAYS fall. The sky was gray today and it matched my state of mind…gray. Not quite dark enough to lose all hope but dark enough to know that if I continue to fall there will be no hope. Gray like the silence that hangs over my head. Gray like the shame I still can’t live down. Gray like the sorrow in my soul from the pain and anguish that I seem to relive over and over. Gray like the hopelessness I feel. Gray enough to almost see through the fog and make out whats on the other side yet know that I still have to fight to get there. My thunderstorm is forming right above me the more clouds that come the harder the rain falls. For years I thought that my storm was almost over. Honestly I could have sworn I’d been through it all. Heartache, Death, Rape, Abuse, Abandonment, Humiliation, Homelessness, And love. I swore there was nothing that could come at me next I wasn’t prepared for. Oh man how I was wrong. I fell into a depression it felt like every thing and every one around me was falling out of my life one by one. I felt like I couldn’t win. I felt like I was losing my hope. No matter how much people told me they cared or how they understood I felt alone. In the deepest pit of my pain I felt like I had nothing left to give. I had no outing. Many times in my life I’ve contemplated taking my own life. Hoping to finally have that peace and the pain would be over. Yet I’ve never actually brought myself to do it. I feel like I may have a greater purpose with this life. With all the things I’ve been through I have a story to tell. I have people to save. People to understand when no-one else understands. Hearts to heal when they feel like they can’t heal themselves. I have people to love when they can’t love themselves. I have a testimony and I think I’m finally ready to tell it. I’m ready to tell the world about me. My voice has finally appeared and it seems like I finally have something to say. I hope that my words convey the message I’ve been sent to spread because it took me a while to understand it myself. If you don’t learn anything from me please learn that self love is the best love you will ever know. As long as you know your worth and know that you have amazing things to offer this world you will never have to worry about whether anyone cares about you or what they think about you. Loving yourself one day one way or another will be all that you need to push forward.
I’ve always been one of those individuals that searched for love and acceptance. I felt abandoned by my mother. Unloved and unwanted. My grandparents gave me all the love they could and they were the best but yet something was always missing. It felt like they weren’t enough. How could my mom keep my brother and not keep me? That was the question that burned itself into my mind. I rarely saw her. I barely knew her at all. But I knew there was this woman out there who birthed me probably looked just like me and she had nothing to do with me. Hatred built like a wall. I felt nothing but hatred for the longest. Hatred for her. Hatred for those surrounding her. Hatred for myself. Hatred for everything around me. I was angry inside. I did angry things. But I kept quiet. I never told a soul how I felt. I never wanted anyone to know I was weak. But the longer I went quiet the more things happened to me that I felt like I couldn’t tell because I hadn’t told anything else. I looked for the love I thought I needed in places I know now it could have never been. Sex, alcohol, cigarettes, rebellion. I now regret keeping quiet realizing it only harmed me more than it helped but I learned a lot from it. I found my strength. I found me.
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