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Dear God

Updated: Sep 22, 2023

It’s me. I’m struggling lord. For a whole year and a have I’ve felt like I can’t breath. All of the guilt, all of the sadness, all of the weight on my shoulders. How have I survived this long? Everyday I wake I Think about how much easier it would be if I weren’t here. I don’t want to complicate any one’s life. I don’t want to hinder anyones progression. But I’m at a loss. I can’t think, I’m forgetting things, I’m shaky, I’m confused. My mind is cloudy. How do I let go of things from the past? How do I release the toxic feelings that I’m holding on to? How do I change the thoughts that crowd my mind? The things I’m too afraid to say out loud. The things I’m ashamed of. I feel you working on me but if it’s not too much to ask please work a little faster. I see the changes. I see the people you’ve removed from my life. I see the mission and the purpose you sent me here for.

This tightness in my chest is suffocating me. Vivid events replay in my mind. How do I loosen the hold? I thought I was healed. I thought I was passed it all but I feel the baggage. It’s carried over it to this wonderful marriage with this wonder women I love. The hurt, the sadness, the insecurities. She doesn’t deserve it. It’s not fair but I can’t seem to shake it. Why can’t I shake it? I love her. Why can’t I be the person for her that I’ve been for everyone before her? Why does this have to creep back up now?

I know you hear these jumbled thoughts in my mind daily. It sounds even crazier writing them but I’m so tired of holding everything in. I just want to feel heard. To feel understood. I feel alienated and alone. I feel like I can’t express myself without someone trying to make my feelings seem small. Im battling myself and I don’t know how to stop it. How do I stop it? Im begging for change. Im tired of this disrupting my life and ruining my marriage I want out. I know this current situation I’m in is beyond my control. I’m asking for help from people I NEVER ask for anything from. I know you see my wife and I really trying to pave a way for ourselves. We are struggling. We are not ok. I am not ok. We need you lord. Please guide us together. I can’t do life without her and we can’t do it without you.

Signed your distressed child

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